The N00b (12.31.15): We're Back. And Mad as Hell.

The N00b (12.31.15): We’re Back. And Mad as Hell.

The Disappearance of Mother Superior

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It was a quiet day in Halle when all of a sudden, a pilot slams into the station in a pod. Still smoking and smelling mildly of sulphur, the doors of the pod opens and out stumbles none other than Gnimral — Mother Superior of the Virgins. Or is she? What happened to Mother Superior for the last three and a half months? Why did she disappear?

The woman chain-smoking in her captain’s quarters looks dishevelled and mad as hell. “I was just shuttling over to a moon in the Halle system when all of a sudden a fleet of ships surrounded me. Thought it was one of the fleets that was wardec’d with us at the time so I tried to high-tail my ass out of there. Didn’t work. Bastards.”. She spits in disgust.

“Turns out they weren’t anyone we knew. They were fucking pirates. Blew my ship and took me hostage. Fuckers. Good thing I was just rocking an Ibis since I’m a lazy son of a bitch”. The foul-mouthed spinster flicks her cigarette and watches the ashes land on the interviewer. She doesn’t apologise. Because she’s Mother Superior.

“They took me through a wormhole into Thera. All I know is that one moment I was fighting what looked like Sansha piss fucks and the next it was black. Woke up in a prison on some random piece of rock in the middle of Thera. No way I was going to get out of there. Fuckers sold me for some isk. Luckily, I wasn’t the only one in there. Apparently they’d snatched up some piss pilot name Erani Daern. Spent the first month listening to her bitch and moan”

It was there that Mother Superior sat for months. Wasting away. No hibernation, no way to sleep it off. “I had a single window that looked out to a cement wall. Who the fuck builds a window that only looks out to a wall? Anyway, I needed something to do, so I figured I’d start praying. Because you know, I’m the Mother Superior. Not like the other one was doing shit.”

Luckily someone was there to hear her prayers. It was a silent night on December 29th when all of a sudden the building shakes as a hole gets blasted through her cell. “There was all this light. Shit, I was sure I was getting bombed. But no, it was Jesus Facepalm”.

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That’s right, Jesus Facepalm. The preacher of Providence. The (next) great fleet commander of the Evictus Alliance. There in his white robes, sandals, with long flowing hair blowing in the breeze that suddenly picks up, he walks over to her and holds out his hand.

“There was a shit ton of light and then I pass out. Next thing I know, I’m in a pod docking into Halle. And there I am, expecting some serious strong drinks with my fellow corpmates only to find out that the Virgins moved themselves into null-sec.”

Now marooned on Halle, she looks out the window of her captain’s quarters and mutters indiscernible curse words. “Dunno what happened to Erani Daern. Hopefully she got out. I’ll eventually haul my ass down to null-sec and meet up with the rest of the Virgins.”

How Jesus Facepalm knew the exact location of Mother Superior, the universe may never know. Was it divine guidance? Was it simply because he was a badass mother fucker?  Attempts to contact Jesus Facepalms were met with a 666,666 isk bounty placed on the N00b. Either way, Mother Superior’s back. And she’s mad as hell.

Pro-Tip: Remember To Queue…and Unpause

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In other news, Erani Daern came back to Providence after her 3.5 month hiatus in Thera to realize she forgot to put skills in her training queue. So she had nothing trained — for 3.5 months. Moral of the story? Queue your skills.

That wasn’t the only C6 fail to happen lately. Paused skill queues by both Zorya Umbranox and Fishweasel resulted in days of lost training time. Moral of that story? Stay vigilant and for fucks sake, queue your skills.

6 Ways to Piss Off Virgin’s CEO

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By popular request, here is the list of known ways to annoy Richard Branson:

  1. Reply-all to any corp mails.
  2. Hold on to a 7billion isk ship and don’t log on for 2 weeks.
  3. Donate material amounts of ISK to Virgins for no reason
  4. Put a bounty on his head.
  5. Accidentally lose billions in minerals while transporting for the corp.
  6. Kick him from your channel when he starts singing.

PSA: C6 Needs Donations For Rorqual Development

A Rorqual is currently being manufactured by C6. Please donate any minerals you’re able to spare to Fishweasel.

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The N00b Hero of Providence

When opting to do fleet runs with Providence, don’t volunteer for a task unless you actually know how to do the job asked. Such was the case today when Erani Daern opted to become a cyno-pilot for a 100-man Providence fleet. After precariously making her way deep into a red-infested system in Providence to get into position, the entire fleet waiting next to the titan prepared to open the jump to her caracal, she realizes she forgot to bring fuel…

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Luckily, had the entire fleet cyno’d in, they’d have been wiped out by a red fleet that jumped into the system immediately after Erani attempted to activate the cyno. Noob mistakes saves Providence fleet. Surprisingly, Erani managed to -not- die and lives to fight another day.

Moral of the story? Don’t sign up for shit you don’t know how to do. But if you find yourself in that situation, roll with it and pray they don’t murder you afterward.

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Submit to The N00b! Send your stories to Erani Daern or Gnimral. Seriously, send anything. I can’t make this shit up on my own. oV