Author Archive Skempo

The N00b 10.9.2016: What A Predicament We’re In + Anniversary

Happy (Belated) Anniversary

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It’s been way over a year, but hey — gotta say it since it’s been awhile since the last edition of the N00b. Happy one year (and 3-ish month) anniversary to the Virgins Plc. It’s gone from being a scraggly ragtag high-sec fledgling corp to a robust null-sec monster.

VOLT is Red – Wow

We’re up shit creek and on the frontlines.

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I kid, I kid. We’re not up shit creek. But I bet that caught your attention. Well, well. After a decade of NRDS (Not Red, Don’t Shoot), Volt decided to break away from it all and follow the standard nullsec protocol of shooting anything that wasn’t blue. Not a big issue right? Wrong.

Alongside that, they decided they were also going to reset standings with Providence. For us n00bs out there, one might ask “what’s the big deal with that?”. Let me tell you — it causes ‘issues’. When you reset standings, you essentially set everyone as neutral. In Providence, that’s not that big of a deal because we believe in ‘not red, don’t shoot’. When you suddenly break away from that…well you start to see the problem. It didn’t take long for VOLT to go from neutral to red.

What does that mean for Evictus? Well now we sit on the front lines! And what better spot to be than in G-A! As many may have noticed, there’s been a noticeable uptick in activity in the G-A region of Catch ever since VOLT went red. If you’re into PvP, now is the time to get at it. There’s near-constant activity — ripe for the picking.

If you’re not into PvP, be vigilant. Make sure local is always visible. I always like to make sure local sits outside of the standard channels, so that I can keep track of TheCitadel intel and local at the same time. Survival of the fittest. Be one of the fittest if you’re not into PvP. That goes especially to miners. G-A is a gnarly place to mine right now. Be vigilant. Keep aligned to the PoS and get the hell out of dodge when (new) reds are in the system.

Some wonder how long it’ll take before there’s a war. New evidence is starting to show that conversations are being had about a potential cease fire. Let the rumors run…but until we’re officially told otherwise, red is red and we shoot reds.

Member spotlight: Brynjard

Fast flying vigilante of G-A

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Aside from his dashing good looks and quizzical brows, this handsome devil’s been shooting it up against VOLT this past weekend. An anonymous source close to Brynjard spoke to The N00b on the matter in depth, “It’s been two days since VOLT has become red, and he’s been tearing it up in VOLT space! In just 3 hours, Bryn has racked up 10 kills (plus 2 pods)…8 of the 10 were solo!!!”.

Counting his kills since Friday, there have been a total of 18 kills from Brynjard alone. That doesn’t include the countless other kills that Brynjard has participated in. His personal quest to single-handedly annoy the bejeezus out of VOLT continues on! Good job!

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Got a submission for the N00b? Send it to Gnimral and look for it in the next edition!

oV

The N00b 5.4.16: Massacre & Destruction

Bloody Sunday: Weekly Social Turns Into Massacre

Anyone who checks their Evemail in the last month has noticed these mails from ChristianBlood Blood. Social Sunday! Ratting! Mining! Stuff! Awesomeness!

They’re amazing events. I wake up at 10am on Sundays just to join in on them. That’s a big deal folks. Mother Superior needs her beauty sleep. Needs her sleep. Otherwise I end up looking like:

Anyway, so I decided to step away from my computer after I had just been saved by Hroovitnir in a challenging Sansha site. Figured things were slow. ChristianBlood Blood was failing at bubbling (turns out he wasn’t a n00b though! Can’t tease him for it),  miners were mining, pvp squad were screaming for pilots to kill — it was a good lazy Sunday.

I come back 30 minutes later and all I see in local is Red. Red everywhere. So many reds, even though I was sitting my fat ass at the POS, I had to zoom out just to make sure. Jesus were there reds. Holy fuckballs.

While I was parked safe in the POS, not participating in defense like a good alliance member ought to, the Sunday Social squads were geared up and fighting. There was death. Lots of death. In fact, I didn’t even realize there was death — I was told to check the killboards. Yes, lots of death. But valiant, brave deaths.

Good job folks! We may have been slaughtered, but I bet folks had fun o7

The First Lowsec Citadel Goes Online: Gets Destroyed

Oh the pitfalls of Eve.  Take this as an incredibly important learning folks!

Lowsec saw it’s first Citadel (A medium) go live. Within minutes of being online, a traitor within the alliance (and a director no less!) cyno’d in an enemy fleet and promptly destroyed the fledgling Citadel before it had the chance to get defensive modules online.

I personally took a number of learnings from this event, as should anyone who’s been keeping track of the Citadel update.

1) Assumption: People will want to steal your Citadel.

FALSE. They want to destroy it entirely.

2) Assumption: You can have your modules fitted and online when the Citadel goes up.

FALSE…? Someone correct me if my inference is wrong. Apparently not? This is fucking fantastic to know.

3) Get a fucking proper fleet and close down the fucking system until the Citadel is fully functional, defenses and all. And prepare for all out war.

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Want to add to the N00b? Send anything to Erani Daern or Gnimral. oV

 

 

The N00b 4.28.16: Just another day in Nullsec

Ark Ship Down – The Perilous Life of a Jumpfreighter Pilot

Every so often you hear about it. Massive jump freighters going down. 8 billion+ isk ships that can jump near across the entire map simply by lighting a cyno. It’s a tricky business, those jump freighters. You undock in nullsec — an already dangerous affair as is, only to jump to a cyno in a trade hub that’s brimming with pirates ready to attack you for the chance to have an 8 billion isk ship killmail. What’s a hauler to do?

There’s a trick to it. I myself barely know the details of how this works, and I sure as fuck have never done one of these with Erani. I’d fuck it up. Guaranteed. Billions in assets would go up in flames. What I’ve gathered so far about this lucrative skill is that it’s all about where you light that cyno. A special spot that allows you enough space to get your jumpfreighter in range of insta-dock, but not so close that it bumps the station. Because bumping the station is as bad as not jumping in close enough. You bounce away. You have to slowboat back to docking range. And fuck it all, thats when those pirates swarm you and bump you wayyyy the fuck away from the station so they can take you down.

What’s worse, every fucking station has a different range. Not all stations are alike. So you really have to have your shit together to know 1) where you’re jumping to 2) the perfect spot to cyno and 3) that you’re not going to fuck up and hit anything.

If you’ve only got 2 of the 3, don’t do it.

Of course, everyone has to start out somewhere. If this type of thing interests you, I strongly recommend you reach out to Richard Branson and/or Julia Allrian. There’s lots of folks who know how to do this, but I suspect those two are likely to help you learn.

The Great War Up North? It Gets Even Better

This is LennyKravitz2. Biggest bankroller in Eve.

This is LennyKravitz2. Biggest bankroller in Eve.

Rock, Paper, Shotgun, a really legit PC Gaming news site recently did an in-depth story on how this whole Great War started. As with any great Eve story, it includes drama, backstabbing, and lots and lots of isk. I strongly recommend you read it if you haven’t already. Check it out here.

7md – Hottest Party in Town

Anyone who’s been hanging around 7md lately has noticed that there’s been a bit of a hot dropper issue. On top of that, it’ appears to also be a rendezvous point for nearly reds before they head off into Provi to cause trouble. Can’t say this is the case for every timezone — I really only play during USTZ. HOWEVER, it’s become a problem. PvEing gets racy in 7md so naturally I took my butt over to other systems that felt only *slightly* safer.

/end rant

N00b Forgets to Fit Guns Before Joining Fleet

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Everyone knows that I’m the queen of n00b when I join fleets. But even I can’t beat this one. So a few days ago I decided to join up in Eos Canon’s interceptor fleet. Anyone who’s done fleets knows how his fleets role — he’s a cranky brit that has a low voice, quiet mic, and to be frank, I can never fucking understand him.

Anyway, so there we were, halfway through catch on our way to Querious to stir up some trouble when all of a sudden on comms I hear a feminine voice with a thick french accent say “Oh nooo I need to stop and get some guns”.

Turns out, she left F-Y forgetting to fit her high-slots. What was her plan? Unknown. Possibly just tackle? Who knows. Either way — moral of the fucking story: Before you leave for a fight, for fucks sake, make sure you’ve got guns ready.

Gate Crashing – Null Sec N00b Style

Anyone who’s been around me long enough knows that I have a problem with gate crashing. And by that I mean, I’m always forced to do it, and I fucking hate it. Ask anyone on Teamspeak. Perfect cordial bliss will suddenly be erupted with “OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH THEY’RE FUCKING CHASING ME”.

Somehow though, 9 times out of 10 I make it through.

You might call that skill. The skeptical may call it luck. I call it bat shit crazy mixed with subconscious desires to stay alive.

How do I do it? I’m going to be upfront. There are a million better ways to pull it off. I use this strategy in my exploration adventures through various nullsec regions. I don’t bother to explore in Providence anymore — too full. So! That means I have to go through fairly red-infested space, often littered with gate campers jump after jump.

If in a Buzzard (Or other Covert Ops ship):

  • Learn how to cloak — FAST. Whether you’re stuck in a bubble or there’s a fucking sabre just sitting a bit off the gate, fucking learn how to cloak FAST. Learn the hotkey. Oftentimes, I highlight the next gate, press ‘D’ (to warp/jump through) and a split second after pressing D, I hit F1 (to activate the slot with my cloaking device). You have a split second where you’re out in the open, so unless they’re on top of it, you’re going to be cloaked before they get a lock on you.
  • If you enter a system and get stuck in a bubble: See above for fast cloaking. Align yourself to a safe (NOT the gate you want to go next), drift out of the fucking bubble, THEN warp off.
  • If you enter a system and there’s a ship waiting to instalock you: This happens even with a bubble so pay attention: Don’t immediately prepare to dock and cloak. They expect that. I like to wait around 13 seconds (or 17!) before I do it. Because it’s tiring just waiting for those campers to just wait preparing to lock your ass. Then when you’re cloaked just fucking warp off.
  • Perch OR D-SCAN From Random Spot: Why D-Scan? If you’re close enough (14.3 AU or if you’ve got something fitted to boost that), then you’ll see the ‘Mobile Warp Disruptor’ on D-Scan. That’s a bubble. You’ll also see ships on scan if they’re not cloaked. Your option is to either wait it out or try your luck and push through. I always wait it out until the Red’s gone. Even if it takes hours. OR! If the way you came is clear, turn around and run like the fucking wind.
  • BEWARE the 100km Bubbles!: When you’re warping into a gate, nifty gate campers can fuck you over by putting a bubble about 100km off on the path from well-traveled gates in that system. If you get stuck…Don’t Panic. If you’ve still got cloak up, burn out, hide. If you lose cloak (I always lose cloak)…PANIC, because if the bubble’s being covered by reds, you’re fucked. Accept you’re dead and move on.

If in an Interceptor

  • You’re unaffected by bubbles. And you’re fast. My standard operating procedure is to run. Fast. Just keep fucking jumping. You land, you warp, you jump. Rinse and repeat. You don’t stop at go, you don’t collect $200. If you’re fast, you’re in and out of a system faster than a ship can get a lock on you. Ask Teamspeak from two days ago as they heard me screaming bloody murder as I jumped 14 jumps of gate camps.

Got tips for how YOU crash gates? Send them to me, Gnimral/Erani Daern

 

 

 

 

The N00b 4.18.16: Shit Happens

Nublet Uses New Overview: Gets Hot Dropped and Doesn’t Even Know It

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USTZ has become a hot time for hot-dropping reds in 7md lately. Wonder what’s been going on? In any case, Sunday evening’s ratting expedition lead to a serious of unfortunate failures which need to be published for learning purposes (and a chance to laugh).

We all know what to do when we see an enemy in system. Right? We fly to safe. It’s always the same deal. Whether it’s the POS or just a random spot in the solar system, you know where you scatter when you see a red in system and you’re not in a PvP-ready ship (unless you’re Hroovitnir, in which case fuck it, doesn’t matter you’re engaging anyway).

It was a quiet Sunday evening of ratting for standard USTZ crew online. Lazy sanctum runs, barely paying attention, watching TV, whatever it is folks do during these lulls. Erani Daern was on her way to join the ratting party made up of Hasus77 and ChristianBlood Blood which she recently fleeted up with. No TS, just focused on chat, figured nothign was wrong. Upon landing onto the site, noticing nothing wrong in her new-spangled Overview, she begins targeting and attacking the Sanshas in the area.

Next thing you know, she’s scrammed, webbed, and locked down for a painfully slow death by a fleet of about 20 reds who mysteriously appear!

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Except she didn’t notice this. Instead of focusing on the screen, she kept her eyes on her overview. It was after they had gotten through her shields did she realize oh shit, it’s not Sansha shooting at her (I mean, they were, but that’s not the point), these were fucking eve pilots.

Here’s how Erani Daern failed:

  • Wasn’t on TeamSpeak! Easiest fucking way to get news instantly. Had she done so, she’d have heard ChristianBlood Blood screaming to get safe, and wouldn’t have warped to the guys in the first place.
  • Wasn’t KOS checking the neutral in system. There was a neutral. She assumed others had done it.
  • Didn’t remember her brand-new Overview had tabs — and that she was on the tab labelled “BLUE”…which means she never saw the MASSIVE FLEET DROP that fucked her over.
  • Had Fleet Channel Blink off — which means ChristianBlood Blood screaming on Fleet chat failed miserably.

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Moral of the story: Learn how to use your Overview. And don’t be Erani Daern.

Additional fail nod goes to Hasus for his broken mic and then taking the subsequent silence to his questions as it ‘not being a big deal’.

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Weekend Provi Police Fleet: Titans Unite!

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Anyone who’s been in Virgins or Council long enough know that there’s a CVA Police fleet that shows up every so often that are a fucking blast. You run in comets or Kronos (comets are given free to pilots who can fly em!), fit them with police skins, and go blasting through Providence spamming local chat with various fun things such as “THIS IS A BUST” or “GET OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP”, or my favorite “MAN DOWN MAN DOWN”

Sometimes its a roam. Sometimes its a hot drop. Last weekend’s was a hotdrop. Unfortunately the reds also knew we’d formed up because there were no PvP fights to speak of. So this amazing group of police ships, sirens and all got to sit 2000km from a Titan (Erebus) just waiting to land into action.

What did we do with our spare time you ask? We watched an Avatar (Titan) and Erebus (Another titan) doomsday each other — something that even Eve vets don’t get to really ever see.

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The Avatar still looks like it’s splooging.

Keep an eye out for these fleets! When they do come, even the chance to just look at the Titans up close and personal is enough to make you want to join up.

N00bs & Wormholes!

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In other news, Aulorana Equilisers managed to get popped by NPCs flying out of a wormhole he discovered in nulsec. Flying in his Helios, he had scanned down a wormhole and was going to make his way into it when all of a sudden — he no longer had a ship.

Turns out, those badboy Joves from inside W-Space DO LEAVE. 50km from the hole, he was shot down in mere seconds. How did that happen, you might ask? After all, he was in a Helios. I’ll tell you. It’s the number one rule of the N00b. The #1 thing I tell every N00b. He. Didn’t. Cloak.

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Moral of the story? CLOAK.

 

The N00b 4.4.2016 War, DDOS, and other such tales

The Great War in the North Continues…

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Can I just take a moment to say, hot damn, it’s still going? Personally, I’m thrilled. I’ve seen a couple of these potentially pop up in my short time at Eve, and let me say — they tend to fizzle out in a week. I’ve been bummed. This is not one of those short wars.

Here’s a take on how I can tell:

  • Eve posts a 1-day 10% Plex sale smack dab in the middle of this. And calls out that this ISN’T just for those fighting in the war.
  • Someone decided to DDOS the Eve servers during prime US play time Saturday 4/2. Fuckers. Not a common occurrence.

For the n00b in all of us, EveNews24 has been extensively covering the war here. I personally don’t have the mental capacity to deal keeping up with all the details.

On our own front, kudos to everyone for a fucking damn fine turnout in Providence fleets sneaking in and sucker punching those goon mother fuckers.

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Heads up to nublets: fleets with regards to taking it to the Goons can be found here. They’re posted in game in P-Fleet. Note though — not a lot of late USTZ coverage so unless you’ve got the ability to join up with them East Coast folks, West Coast — you’re fucked. If you want a good fight, join in and for fucks sake, insure your fucking ship because you’re going to lose it.

Kudos to BufferBusyWaits & Jesus Facepalm For Being PvP Badasses This Week!

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With this war and the general uptick in fights we’ve been seeing in our area of the Catch as well as Providence, there’s been ample opportunity for folks who want to get some PvP action to join up and get some kills in. Most notably, I’m calling out two in particular who have managed to prop themselves up to the top (as of the writing of this post):

Virgin’s BufferBusyWaits managed to hit #3 in Evictus’s chart of Top PvPers. Richard Branson would be proud of your efforts.

The Council’s Jesus Facepalm has managed to rank #8 in Evictus’s Top PvPers — somehow eeking out 53 kills in between his busy schedule of preaching, prayer services, and general public nuisances.

For details, go here.

What’s even more fucking awesome? Virgins is #2 in the killboards overall on Evictus and The Council is #5. Why does it matter? Street Cred. More say in shit. Etc. etc. If you want an exhaustive explanation, go to Richard Branson.

For everyone else that’s participating, keep going! I may have called those two out, but there’s plenty of ships to kill and pods to blow up.

Eve Online Gets DDOS’d During USTZ Prime Hours

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On Saturday 4/2, the server clusters that make up Tranquility went down due to a DDOS attack. Along with Tranquility, the Eve website also went down so folks couldn’t even bitch about it on the Forums.

For those of you who don’t know what a DDOS attack is — it’s essentially the internet’s version of a caveman bludgeoning a door with a club enough times that it knocks the door down. The real answer is that it’s essentially pings (by computers!) to the server…except the pings are so fast, and so many that it overwhelms the servers and brings them down. It’s the most common form of cyber attack that hits gaming sites. You see this happen on Steam on Christmas almost every year like clockwork.

There’s a more advanced explanation, but that’s the poor man’s version. Google it.

Servers were down for 2 hours and it left everyone wondering what to do with their saturday evenings. I for one, was really fucking pissed considering I was set up like this:

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The Ultimate N00b Guide In Works By Shinzo

So our very own Shinzo Shikimira Shinzo has been hard at work creating a fantastic, detailed, and pretty much fucking fabulous guide to surviving Eve. He’s been releasing it piecemeal as he updates it — but for those of you who haven’t been able to check it out — click here!

It’s a complete 180 degree difference from this site. Also, it’s better written and significantly more newbie friendly.

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Want to contribute to the N00b? Reach out to Erani Daern or Gnimral. Can’t promise I’ll get everything in, but I’ll take whatever I can get!

oV

 

The N00b 3.31.16: The Downfall of Empires…and N00bs

The Fall of the Goons:

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Holy. Shit. Most of you folks have been around a fair bit now, so there are few n00bs left to explain the significance of this potentially epic great war that’s unfolding. I’m not going to get into it. Instead, I’m going to have you go to the pseudo-official source that can explain it better than this ol’ n00b can.

http://evenews24.com/2016/03/26/allied-forces-an-overview/

Where does this leave us? The ones living it up in our part of nullsec? Jury’s out folks. We’ll see what happens with Evictus and Provi. Personally? My ass is expecting some seriously epic battles ahead of us however we plan to participate officially.

Corebloodbrothers Takes 200-man Provi Fleet to Goon Space

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So we all know and love Corebloodbrothers. The great Fleet Commander of Providence. The one with the epic fleets. The giant fleets. The one where there are support fleets for the support fleets. Today Core decided to take a 200-man fleet of armored battlecruisers to goon space and cause a little trouble.

Some may ask – but why? You n00b. Read the first article.

In any case, that space is locked up tighter than a maximum security prison right now. Now I got this all second hand mind you from those who participated and whatnot, but it looks like the fleet was hit with gate camp after gate camp. Some let them through. Some didn’t. At the end of the day, the remnants of the great fleet from Provi (who was really just there just to have a bit of fun) ended up hold up in a station waiting for an opportunity to show itself. Luckily, someone had some scanning shit with them because a wormhole was discovered and a tiny group was able to make it out with their shit.

Moral of the story? Insure your ship.

Erani Daern Lives Up To Her N00b Status Seconds After Logging In

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After another great hiatus from The N00b pilot Erani Daern, within a second of logging in managed to pull a major n00b moment by realizing she was in her buzzard, 150m isk in cargo, sitting in the middle of a region of nullsec clearly owned by reds. How would she know that? The giant red fleet in front of her. In a stroke of quick thinking, she was able to get a cloak up before anyone was able to get a lock on her…HOWEVER, not the ideal way to log in.

Now, a lot of us like to explore and shit. So listen up.

Moral of the story: Don’t log off in space.

I mean, if you’re going to do it because you’re lazy as fuck (or high) and are 30+ jumps from a friendly station…at least find a better hiding spot than in front of a well-travelled gate. Each buzzard properly fitted is going to cost you north of 50m isk all in (you people not using sister probes are epic n00bs). That’s on top of any implants you may have on (if you’ve got implants on exploring in enemy territory in nullsec, you deserve to be podded). And any cargo you might have obtained.

The sites are rich with high-isk stuff. You’re going to have epic cargo holds full of amazing shit to sell. Don’t risk it.

Unless of course, you’re bankrolling deep and have a fleet of those fully-fitted buzzards just waiting for you back in the F-Y.

No, bad advice. Even then it’s a terrible decision.

That Time Aulorana Equlisers Aggresses Without FC Approval

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Council member Aurolana Umbranox managed to get herself blown to bits after accidentally aggressing a red while in fleet before the FC said to aggress. As any sane woman would do in that situation, she tried to jump the gate and run like a bandit. No Bueno. Doesn’t work like that. So what does a desperate, near-crazed woman do? Randomly jump to different planets. Well, here’s the problem. You can only jump to so many random locations during a fight before you drop yourself into a hotbed of shit.

Therein lies the conclusion to this tale. Aurolana jumps into a mob of reds and gets ganked.

Moral of the story: Don’t aggress before you’re told to.

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This takes more than one person to run! Submit your thoughts, experiences, wishes, complaints, etc to Erani Daern or Gnimral. oV

For actual N00bie tips on Eve, check out Shinzo’s blog: https://notabittervet.wordpress.com/ 

 

The N00b: 1.4.16. Fuck Ratting, And Other Tales.

HEADS UP! We’re at War!

As a heads up, if you go into Empire space, please note that the Evictus Alliance is at war. This means that if you see folks in hi-sec that we’re at war with, they can attack you. 

How YOU Can Help Your Corp(s)

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What’s a N00b article without some tips and tricks on being a helpful corpmate to the corp(s) and Alliance you belong to? Here’s the shit you can do.

(1) Sovereignty Support

What systems? UL, 7MD, S25

But Wait, WTF is Sovereignty and why does everyone talk about it? I’m not going to go into details. Just read about it here. I barely get it myself.

(2) Make isk for your Corp

Ratting & PvE. Ahhh Ratting. I fucking hate it. I’ll go into details on why I hate it later, but for now just know that you can rat and when you DO rat and collect the bounties, a small percentage goes to your Corp. Why does it matter? Because then you don’t have your CEOs going “I NEED ISK GUYS”.

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If you don’t rat and you never intend to, but you DO explore…the rule I follow is to donate 10% of the value of whatever I find to the corp. Makes you feel less like a freeloader.

(3) PvP

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What’s Eve without a little PvP? As you Virgins may notice, you guys moved down to nullsec, where there’s ALWAYS a PvP battle to be had (Unless you’re absolutely terrible at it). How do you join up in those battles?

  • Find corpmates, fleet up, go crazy.
  • There’s almost always a standing fleet in 7md (at least this past weekend!). Play bodyguard.
  • P-Fleet is your friend. Especially during the European hours, you can always check and see if there are fleets available.

For the uber nublets, why does it matter? Because Eve is about killing. And killing ships means you’re basically representing your alliance & corp in the Provi-bloc. And we’re always trying to make ourselves out to be badass mother fuckers. That and if you have no idea how to pvp, the CVA fleets are a fantastic way to learn how to PvP in a relatively safe (I mean that in the loosest way possible) environment.

(4) Take up a support role

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Technically this falls under #1, but take up a support role that doesn’t involve PvP but still helps out your brethren. What can you do?

  • Mining, Mining, Mining (yawn). If you’re a Virgin, there’s an Ore exchange program too. If you’re Council, you’re already dank as fuck, so hoard all the ore.
  • Hauler. There’s always someone who needs something hauled from hi-sec to null. It’s not the safest way to take up a support role, but you’ll be doing everyone a favor.
  • Manufacturing & Research. There’s always a need for more ships, more parts, more blueprint copies, more everything. Talk to your CEOs and see what you can do to help in this.

7md, the new it spot of Evictus

Are you a miner or a ratter? Well then! Head on over to 7md, where you’ll typically see boosted mining fleets on 24 hours a day! At least, in the past few days…

It’s also fun to see an entire local channel of purple because everyone and their mother has decided to fleet up.

An Introverts Quick Guide To Eve

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So you decided to play Eve and felt the need to join a Corp. You were possibly lured to the Corp by a smooth-talking snake (I won’t name names), or maybe you just randomly found a recruitment advertisement on the forums and thought “Fuck it”. Well, there’s a spot for you too!

You can still play Eve and enjoy yourself, without the need to ever talk to anyone, ever. How? Exploration.

What’s exploration? You fly around, scan down signatures, find Data and Relic sites, and hack the shit out of them for phat l00t. Then you sell that shit at a station. End of story. Simple as fuck. And you don’t ever need to ever deal with people ever — even your own corpmates!

Favorite ships of mine to use for exploration: Buzzards

Favorite Jimmy Choos for exploration: Astero

It’s fairly low skill requirements to use those ships and to explore, so it’s a great way to fly around nullsec and do shit.

BUT REMEMBER: MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A COVERT OPS CLOAKING DEVICE OR YOU WILL GET FUCKED OVER.

NO SERIOUSLY. YOU WILL GET RAPED. RAPISTS EVERYWHERE.

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OMG, We’re NRDS and there’s a Neut in system!

I’m getting really tired of seeing the following in any of the channels we haunt:

‘Neut in system, are they KOS?’.

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Here’s an easy fucking way to check in-game if they’re KOS:

  • Go to the alliance channel, there’s a link to the KOS checker for the in-game browser. Input name.
  • Download the KOS checker overlay for your computer. I’m too lazy to put down how to do it, so go ask someone ingame.

The only time it’s okay is if you’re chasing or being chased.

What’s great is that once you see the bright green NOT KOS, you can then individually set the person to a good standing on your own, and then you never had to ask again whether they’re dangerous or not. If you’re Council, we typically do this for you as a corp-wide favor. If you’re a Virgin, do it on your own because Branson aint doing it and unfortunately, there’s no one that we’ve been able to find that has the rights to do this for the corp. Sucks to be you.

If there isn’t any information found, that means one of two things. You either mistyped the name, or they’re just unvalidated. Either way, be wary as fuck.

Obviously, if you get a big old bright red ‘KOS’, then for fucks sake, set them to red and tell your fellow corpmates and alliance mates so they can do the same. Why? See two paragraphs above.

A N00b’s Guide to Ratting

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I’ll just start by saying, I fucking HATE ratting. Why? Because I suck at it. There’s two ways you can rat — you can either go in close and pew pew them, or go REALLY long-range and pew pew them from afar. There are pitfalls to both.

Long Range Ratting:

  • Can take forever if you don’t have the skills to pwn with cruise missiles
  • You can still take serious hits, and it sucks because you probably didn’t fit your ship well enough to tank. Sucks to be you.
  • You’re far out from the wrecks. Bring a fucking Mobile Tracking Unit and for fucks sake, use it.

Short-Range Ratting:

  • TANK THAT SHIT. If you’re ratting against Sanshas, remember the golden rule of tanking: EM and Thermal resistance! JUST FUCKING DO IT.
  • Fuck Collidable objects. Want to know what sucks? Getting stuck in a collideable object and watching your 800m ISK ship get blown up by Sansha rats because your ass can’t warp out. Don’t be a n00b. If you’re solo ratting, just avoid those sites. It’s not even fucking worth it. Take it from me.

Here’s a full guide to how to rat, because I’m too lazy to put one together, and too lazy to ask corpmates to write one.

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Have problems with anything I’m writing? Send me a PM. Don’t reply all. I’ll troll you hard. If you’re nice about it or catch something I need to tweak, I’ll make the update asap.

Want to add to The N00b? PM Erani Daern or Gnimral. I can’t make all this shit up myself. oV

 

The N00b (12.31.15): We’re Back. And Mad as Hell.

The Disappearance of Mother Superior

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It was a quiet day in Halle when all of a sudden, a pilot slams into the station in a pod. Still smoking and smelling mildly of sulphur, the doors of the pod opens and out stumbles none other than Gnimral — Mother Superior of the Virgins. Or is she? What happened to Mother Superior for the last three and a half months? Why did she disappear?

The woman chain-smoking in her captain’s quarters looks dishevelled and mad as hell. “I was just shuttling over to a moon in the Halle system when all of a sudden a fleet of ships surrounded me. Thought it was one of the fleets that was wardec’d with us at the time so I tried to high-tail my ass out of there. Didn’t work. Bastards.”. She spits in disgust.

“Turns out they weren’t anyone we knew. They were fucking pirates. Blew my ship and took me hostage. Fuckers. Good thing I was just rocking an Ibis since I’m a lazy son of a bitch”. The foul-mouthed spinster flicks her cigarette and watches the ashes land on the interviewer. She doesn’t apologise. Because she’s Mother Superior.

“They took me through a wormhole into Thera. All I know is that one moment I was fighting what looked like Sansha piss fucks and the next it was black. Woke up in a prison on some random piece of rock in the middle of Thera. No way I was going to get out of there. Fuckers sold me for some isk. Luckily, I wasn’t the only one in there. Apparently they’d snatched up some piss pilot name Erani Daern. Spent the first month listening to her bitch and moan”

It was there that Mother Superior sat for months. Wasting away. No hibernation, no way to sleep it off. “I had a single window that looked out to a cement wall. Who the fuck builds a window that only looks out to a wall? Anyway, I needed something to do, so I figured I’d start praying. Because you know, I’m the Mother Superior. Not like the other one was doing shit.”

Luckily someone was there to hear her prayers. It was a silent night on December 29th when all of a sudden the building shakes as a hole gets blasted through her cell. “There was all this light. Shit, I was sure I was getting bombed. But no, it was Jesus Facepalm”.

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That’s right, Jesus Facepalm. The preacher of Providence. The (next) great fleet commander of the Evictus Alliance. There in his white robes, sandals, with long flowing hair blowing in the breeze that suddenly picks up, he walks over to her and holds out his hand.

“There was a shit ton of light and then I pass out. Next thing I know, I’m in a pod docking into Halle. And there I am, expecting some serious strong drinks with my fellow corpmates only to find out that the Virgins moved themselves into null-sec.”

Now marooned on Halle, she looks out the window of her captain’s quarters and mutters indiscernible curse words. “Dunno what happened to Erani Daern. Hopefully she got out. I’ll eventually haul my ass down to null-sec and meet up with the rest of the Virgins.”

How Jesus Facepalm knew the exact location of Mother Superior, the universe may never know. Was it divine guidance? Was it simply because he was a badass mother fucker?  Attempts to contact Jesus Facepalms were met with a 666,666 isk bounty placed on the N00b. Either way, Mother Superior’s back. And she’s mad as hell.

Pro-Tip: Remember To Queue…and Unpause

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In other news, Erani Daern came back to Providence after her 3.5 month hiatus in Thera to realize she forgot to put skills in her training queue. So she had nothing trained — for 3.5 months. Moral of the story? Queue your skills.

That wasn’t the only C6 fail to happen lately. Paused skill queues by both Zorya Umbranox and Fishweasel resulted in days of lost training time. Moral of that story? Stay vigilant and for fucks sake, queue your skills.

6 Ways to Piss Off Virgin’s CEO

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By popular request, here is the list of known ways to annoy Richard Branson:

  1. Reply-all to any corp mails.
  2. Hold on to a 7billion isk ship and don’t log on for 2 weeks.
  3. Donate material amounts of ISK to Virgins for no reason
  4. Put a bounty on his head.
  5. Accidentally lose billions in minerals while transporting for the corp.
  6. Kick him from your channel when he starts singing.

PSA: C6 Needs Donations For Rorqual Development

A Rorqual is currently being manufactured by C6. Please donate any minerals you’re able to spare to Fishweasel.

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The N00b Hero of Providence

When opting to do fleet runs with Providence, don’t volunteer for a task unless you actually know how to do the job asked. Such was the case today when Erani Daern opted to become a cyno-pilot for a 100-man Providence fleet. After precariously making her way deep into a red-infested system in Providence to get into position, the entire fleet waiting next to the titan prepared to open the jump to her caracal, she realizes she forgot to bring fuel…

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Luckily, had the entire fleet cyno’d in, they’d have been wiped out by a red fleet that jumped into the system immediately after Erani attempted to activate the cyno. Noob mistakes saves Providence fleet. Surprisingly, Erani managed to -not- die and lives to fight another day.

Moral of the story? Don’t sign up for shit you don’t know how to do. But if you find yourself in that situation, roll with it and pray they don’t murder you afterward.

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Submit to The N00b! Send your stories to Erani Daern or Gnimral. Seriously, send anything. I can’t make this shit up on my own. oV

The N00b: War Continues (8.27.15)

Goonswarms in Providence & Catch Not Going So Well Due To Stellar Defense

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Well folks, what do you expect when you walk into the only true independent territory in nullsec and try to take their bases? In an attempt to try out the new sovereignty,  enemy forces have been roaming around Providence and Catch, trying to capture stations and take control of systems.

The fighting has been rough. Key staging locations have dwindled supplies, and traveling between systems is dangerous business. What’s been truly interesting however, is that TheMittani (evil prick leading this whole expedition for the assfucks) had expected to take over Providence in 3 days. Well it’s been three days, and let me tell you — they’re not even close. Word has it that they’re reconsidering their offensive because we don’t stop fighting.

Honestly, serious kudos to everyone who’s been involved in the war. We’ve lost an endless amount of ships, millions and millions of our own personal isk, the moment we log in we’re in fleet and preparing to fight, we’re entosising nodes to ensure we keep control…it’s pretty damn good.

Evictus has for the most part been able to maintain control of our systems. The alliance has been resilient in ensuring that we keep our sovereignty. Whether this ends in the next day (as is rumored) or continues through the weekend, The Council is prepped and ready to keep fighting.

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During War, Everyone’s a PVP Pilot: Even a N00b

All right, time to brag about killboards. Here’s where we’re at:

Virgins: 

It's ok folks, we're a n00b corp.

It’s ok folks, we’re a n00b corp.

Last six days we’ve successfully taken out five ships. We’ve lost 16, and a couple of pods. I’ll take it.  Winner of the most kills this week goes out to Grey Crown followed by Vol Hasse, Match, and Brynjard.

The Council: 

I can’t even post a screenshot of the killboards. it’s just that ridiculous. Let’s just pop the stats in the old fashion way – typing: (Keep in mind, this has only been the last few days)

TOTAL KILLS: 159 ships

TOTAL CORPIES ACTUALLY PVPING: 7

I got lazy, here’s the breakdown by character:

council 8.27.15

Look at that. FREAKING BUFFER (AKA THE COUSIN OF RICHARD BRANSON) is currently leading with 41 kills, followed very closely by Galara.

I can’t even. On another note, I’m proud to announce that Erani Daern took out her first two pods EVER. Mother Superior in action. Here’s to hoping we break 200 by the end of the weekend 🙂

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Want to watch a nullsec fight in action? Watch this.

Taken by a CVA member, this was a fight that occurred just a jump away from the Misaba gate. Erani Daern, Galara Hakari, and Omjun Hekard took part. We were completely outnumbered…but man…just watch.

On the plus side, for Virgins who want to know what nullsec fleets are like, listen to it and just kindly ignore the horrible music. Fleet Commander was Rollo Burningsky, C6’s favorite FC (because we can understand him).

WATCH HERE!

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Want to add to the N00b? Ping Erani Daern or Gnimral.

oV

The N00b: It’s WAR (8.25.15)

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We’re at War: Across the Board

Between the Virgins getting Wardec’d and Council mired in the Providence Goonswarm +2 other alliances testing Fozzy SOV, we’re in quite a bit of a pickle. Here’s what you need to know:

Virgins: 

  • War’s war. Expect to die. You’ll be fine. Don’t solo. Anywhere.
  • If this is your first war, congratulations and welcome to eve. Enjoy it! Don’t be afraid.
  • Jump in on the n00b PVP fleets. Learn some PVP and enjoy yourself.

Did you notice how I kept repeating the part about enjoying yourself? It’s war. It’s no fun, but you know what, you gotta look at the bright side of things. The bright side is that you can get away with killing some fucking assfucks in high-sec and not get in trouble.

Council:

Where the fuck do I even start. Here’s the deal. Provi & Catch are burning. Expect all of the jumpbridges to be offline. All major thoroughfares are gatecamped and scouted. We have major supply bottlenecks for t1 and t2 ships due to the sheer amount of death. Here’s the bright side:

  • Prioritize Evictus fleets over CVA fleets. No excuses.
  • There’s always a fleet. Join up, enjoy yourself. Seriously — all the great FC’s are on big time right now and you’re likely to join a fleet that’s going to have 30+ during off-times. If you get a chance to join up during peak times, your fleet’s are in the 100’s.
  • Prepare for death, stock up. If you’re outta isk and out of ships, there are corp mates that can help out with ships. And if you’re in a fleet and run out of ships, folks are handing them out like candy because War is War. You do your part.
  • There are major supply issues with t1 and t2s. CVAs are trying to get haulers in as best as they can, but it requires serious fleets because the goons swarm the moment they see a hauler on radar. Log in, check for contracts. Buy em up. I’m personally finding it easier to just buy contracts with pre-fitted doctrine ships than buying and fitting them myself. Contracts are *typically* at market rates
  • Now is not the time to explore. You’re going to get ganked. Opt to join a fleet instead and get your guns into the action. Let’s get Council on some serious killboards.
  • If you’re able to fly Logi, assume a fleet’s going to want you. If you know how to fly a Logi, stock up on Logis. Seriously. I’m not even joking. Everyone’s been crying for Logis left and right. You’ll be the most popular dude in the station if you’re flying logi.
  • If you have absolutely nothing, I’m sure they’ll accept the Ibis as a last resort (no they won’t).

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Spy Infiltrates Virgin Intel Channel: CEO Richard Branson To Blame

It’s not a normal Eve day in the Virgins without someone n00bing it up. This time it was Richard Branson having the Virgin’s Intel channel set to ‘open’ so that anyone can join. Of course, enemy corporations figured this out and joined the channel, gaining access to information such as unknown corp members. The intel channel is now invite-only, but Richard Branson still deserves major trolling for his fail.

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Send me shit to write about for The N00b! Ping Erani Daern or Gnimral.

oV