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The N00b: Let’s Get This Party Started (8.23.15)

Goon Time.

Goon Time.


The Imperium Deployed troops early: Shit hits the fan before the patch

By Zorya Umbranox, Guest Contributor

August 20th, Providence. The famous Shittani (aka Goons) announced their wish to test Fozzy SOV by invading our beautiful, calm Providence, the paradise for carebears and peaceful players alike. It’s been known by everyone that Goonies like to cause mayhem wherever they go, so that is their main aim in the upcoming war. Focusing the IHUBs, the little shits intend to weaken the grip of CVA and Evictus, making it possible for other alliances to conquer and steal our fucking systems. They had planned to move their asses post Galatea, but because of incoming nerfs (‘ceptors with equipped Entosis links are getting a speed limit), they sped up the process.

August 23. Providence. Today, the mobilization started. »OH SHIT…..this is about to get REAL……dam I LOVE THIS GAME!« was mentioned by someone in the EVE Online FB group. After checking Eve24 and TheMittani, nothing looked suspicious. There was some article about earlier deployment on TheMittani, which disappeared only minutes afterwards. It was fishy enough to make me rush to the computer and check EVE. A message by TD announced that shit’s really going down at the moment. While I’m writing, the intel is constantly blinking. The Goonies and red diarrhea are pouring into Assah and other systems. Reportedly, the former is their invasion base with around 200 re(d)tards.
It’s time to harden the fuck up and swat some bees.



Wardec In, Wardec Out: Virgins at Peace, Council at War

All right boys and girls — it’s time to prepare for shit hitting the fan down in Providence. Goons already spotted invading the space. What does this mean? This means that your safe POS’s may not be so safe to harbor your beloved expensive ships. Hope you took the advice of everyone and their mother the last week or two and hauled your stuff to Empire. We felt the grumble. We smelled the shit. We see it projecting toward the fan. Prepare for splatter. Here’s a couple of n00b tips to the inevitable deaths expected:

  • Keep your eyes on local.
  • Keep your eyes on the intel channel.
  • Travel without expensive implants.
  • Expect to die. If you expect to die, dying isn’t actually that bad.
  • Don’t fly expensive shit. Just stop. If you do, you seriously deserve to lose it.
  • If you’re solo PvEing, don’t go for the obvious ratting spots like havens and beware of relic sites that have 1 or 2 cans unpopped…and neuts in local that you can’t see.

Here’s to some serious fun folks! Help me out and send your stories.



Contribute to the N00b! Email Erani Daern or Gnimral.


The N00b: Virgin Pwnage and Destruction of Mother Superiors Convent (8.22.2015)



Grey Crown Shows Everyone Who’s Boss

In what could possibly be the most badass motherfucking thing a Virgin has ever done (at least in the last three months!), Grey Crown managed to own those bastards who had wardec’d the Virgin PLC in lowsec. Some may ask “Why Mother Superior, how could a Virgin possibly own the fuckers who sent a CORP WIDE email demanding ISK to stop the wardec?” Simple. He had em’ chasing him and so he jumped into a gate camp knowing he’d die…and so would the fucker chasing him.

Here’s the kicker: Sure, Grey would have lost a few million isk. And for most Virgins, that’s a lot of isk. But guess how much that little chasing shit fuck lost? Hundreds of millions of ISK. The pain. The pain. So my fellow n00bs, when stuck in a situation where you’re getting chased by asshats who are coming after you for being a solo pve-er in high sec, think of Grey Crown. Kamikaze your ass into a gate camp just to watch the mother fucker burn.






Mother Superior’s Convent Gets Taken Down: Branson Stays Until The End

So if you ever wonder if a POS can be taken down in high-sec, the answer is yes. With that, I am sad to announce that the great POS known as Mother Superior’s Convent — yes the same one that was erected last month in high-sec.

If you were in the POS, you could hear the booms. The walls were shaking! It was all very frightening”. Richard Branson recounts. “I could see that we were taking heavy hits, and after we dropped below 25% I couldn’t keep track of the POS’s status…so I escaped. They were everywhere, but I was able to sneak by while they were all focused on the POS.”

Fear not fellow Virgins. You may wonder what happens now. Well, due to the donations from several corpies, a new POS should be up and running by next week. This time however, instead of it being a convent, we should expect it to be called Mother Superior’s Fortress.


Want to add to the N00b? In search of fellow writers! Ping me at either Erani Daern or Gnimral.



The N00b: Drama Llama, New Program, And More (7.24.15)

So you haven’t seen a N00b in awhile. Blame it on me being busy, blame it on the fact that Providence has been totally quiet. Blame it on peeps not wanting to contribute…but let’s catch up on all the juicy gossip amongst other things.



Virgin CEO and friends develop new Capital Ship Building Program

virgin shirt

There was once a time not long ago when the Virgins were merely a group of high-sec n00bs with a purpose purely focused on figuring out how the game worked. That time has passed! Sure, new Virgins can come in and be total n00bs (I am), but with the acquisition of new members over the past two months, things have become more ‘legit’.

You might wonder what could possibly be so legit about the Virgins. After all, they’re virgins. Sure they have a badass POS called Mother Superior’s Convent, and yea they’ve got a rich CEO who enjoys travelling through systems in his super expensive yacht…but there’s all sorts of fun things these guys have started getting their hands on:

  • There’s a weekly mining op — Ask Branson for details.
  • There are TONS of hi-sec miners
  • There are a bunch of industrialists, researchers, etc.

So what’s to do with all these badass motherfuckers who basically make the systems go round? Build. Capital. Ships. Because only the biggest, baddest mother fuckers build capital ships.

For my fellow n00bs that wonder what capital ships are — here’s a list of what they are.

Want to know more about this amazing program? Go dig through your Eve mail and find Branson’s (second, not first) mail on the program. There’s crazy details and everyone can play a part in this.


Imperium Technologies Peace Out of Evictus Alliance

queen bitch

Oh shit! Drama in Evictus! Last week IT left the Evictus Alliance to move onto their old stomping grounds in another nullsec region. Why’s this such a big deal and who the fuck cares? We in The Council do. Why? Because they’re our buds! Also, they were the main spearheaders of the ever-popular weekly slosh ops.

Why they opted to leave, no one knows, or they’re keeping their mouths shut. I personally blame aliens. What we do know is that there a few folks in the Council who actually hold fairly legit positions in that Corp. DUN DUN DUN.


Shit Got Real for another Alliance in Catch


So if you’re not reading Alliance mails, there’s an Alliance that sits in Catch space called     [-A-] which was once full of just a bunch of Russians (minus our favorite Russian, Galara Hakari). Apparently their main pvp corps were ‘kicked out’ of the alliance (oh shit!) and now no one knows who’s running shit up in there. Either way, get the deets from this eve24 article.


Mother Superior’s Convent Needs Fuel

fuel up no time

Oi Virgins. So because we tend to focus our attention on hi-sec mining/PIing, we’ll have to buy a lot of our fuel. Before QQing, just note the same shit happens on The Council. How can you do your part to support your most awesome corp?

  • Mine
  • Ratting — the corp collects taxes on your bounties…and that money can be used to buy fuel.
  • Donate 10% of whatever isk you make to the corp wallet. This is mostly for you explorers out there…when I explore and sell my load of goodies, I tend to drop 10% of whatever isk I made to the corporate wallet.


Want to add to The n00b? Ping Erani Daern or Gnimral.




The N00b: We’ve Got a Badass Up In Here (7.13.15)

Gold Ribbon Medal Awarded to Akri Momaki: For Being An All-Around Badass


Akri Momaki basically earned the title ‘Badass Mother Fucker of C6’ by being awarded a Gold Ribbon medal.

For those of you who don’t know Akri , get your asses online and meet him. He’s a badass. Virgins may ask, “But why is he a badass?”. GREAT question. Akri’s a badass mother fucker because he singlehandedly got the Council to the top of the Evictus Alliance killboards last week.

A few may ask “Why’s that a big deal”. Why isn’t it a big deal? This is Eve motha fuckas! It’s all ABOUT the killin’ yo. Oddly, for a badass red-killing motha fucka, Akri’s the nicest guy you’ll find that also gleefully kills reds. If you ever…EVER need tips on how to kill other pilots, he’s your man. It’s also significant because the more active we are, the more cred we get. The more cred we get, the more influence we have in the Alliance. Always nice to have cred.

There hasn’t been many awards given out in the entire history of The Council (which has been around since…what 2004? That’s 11 year folks), so seriously awards are legit shit.

If you see him, give him a fist bump and a hi-five!


Add to The N00b! Ping Erani Daern or Gnimral!



The N00b: The Bounty Edition

Council Members Get Drunk, End Up With Bounties


I’ve written about getting drunk and playing Eve before. It really doesn’t mix well because you make decisions that are terrible. Here’s a great story of one:

Robert Deniro was doing his deed as the recruitment officer of The Council by running around Providence spamming recruitment ads. While receiving the normal “FUCK YOU” responses from folks, a bounty was placed on him for 666,666 isk. At this time, several members of the Council were drunk and on teamspeak, and commented on the fact that they would like bounties. The following then took place:

  • Omjun Hekard placed a 5,000,000 isk bounty on Erani Daern
  • Mrando placed an accidental 666,666,666 isk bounty on Omjun Hekard (one extra six)
  • Erani Daern placed a 66,666,666 isk bounty on Omjun Hekard in retaliation for the 5,000,000 bounty placed on her

With that in mind, Omjun Hekard is now the proud winner of the “C6 Highest Bounty” Award for a grand total of 733M isk. Please note that since the bounties were place, Omjun’s bounty is now down to 731M isk due to a death in lowsec.

When asked how he felt about having such a large bounty on his head, Omjun shouted, “COME AT ME, BRO”.

What’s the learning point to this tale? Don’t drink and place bounties on each other.


Want to add to The N00b? Email whatever you want (except dirty pictures) to Erani Daern or Gnimral.



The N00b: Virgin’s POS Cherry Popped, Goons coming…?

Virgins have their first POS: (And no, I don’t mean a piece of shit)


In a stroke of brilliancy, a recently-produced Serpentis Control Tower was erected into a POS (player-owned starbase) in the Adallier system for the Virgin PLC. Expect to see more exciting things develop regarding this as time goes on — probably from Richard Branson.

What’s a POS you may ask? Well, I can tell you what it isn’t. It’s NOT a piece of shit, even though every time I see the words “POS” in chat, I assume someone’s being called a piece of shit. Honestly, I barely understand them myself. So I’m just going to link an in-depth explanation of it here.

If you want to know how to find the POS as a Virgin corpmate, please refer to the email sent by Gnimral which gives a detailed step-by-step explanation on what to click to get to where you need to know.

For everyone else, just note that name of the Virgin’s POS is Mother Superior’s Convent.


Goons coming to Providence? Status unknown.


Many have heard rumors of Goonswarms entering Providence now that the new patch is out. I personally have seen none, but I have noticed a significant uptick in deaths reported across the entire region.

With this in mind, please keep the following n00b tips handy:

  • Don’t transfer any ships into Providence for the next week. Just see how shit shakes out
  • Don’t solo fly really expensive ships in lowsec or nullsec. Wait, that’s not just for now — that’s for every day ever.
  • Keep your eyes on The Citadel channel.
  • Report the reds to The Citadel channel.
  • Don’t fly anything you’re not seriously willing to lose, now more than ever.


What to add to The N00b? Ping me.


Erani Daern – C6 Officer of Good Times/ Gnimral – Mother Superior



The N00b: Pizza & Death (7.5.2015)

Council CEO Dies: N00bness, Bad Hearing, & Pizza

success baby

In what can only be described as “shit you just can’t make up“, The Council CEO Fishweasel died to Sansha rats while participating in a corp fleet operation, losing over 250M isk. How could this have possibly happened? This is so good, it’s long.

Richard Branson was supposed to join in the fleet, but unfortunately ended up passing out on his couch. Deciding to take one for the team, Fishweasel took his trusty Zealot and for the most part, was doing a fine job basically soloing as Erani Daern was failing to pew-pew with her T1-fitted Caracal. Due to Erani’s near-constant death, Fishweasel told Erani Daern to grab her Vexor — which he thought was two jumps away, mishearing F-Y (10 jumps away) as FDT. This is when things got sad:

He stopped paying attention to the screen and didn’t realize he was hurting until after he was warp scrambled and losing armor slowly…but surely. In an attempt to get someone to come in and take care of the frigates, he called out to his fellow corp-mates online – Erani Daern, Mrando, and Bri^4. He was calm and collected on the teamspeak as he made his call. After all, there were plenty of people in the corp who are around him:

  • Erani was supposedly only 2 jumps away
  • Bri was in an Ishtar and in the same system
  • Mrando was in the next system over and had an Apocalypse ready to deploy

The following conversation is a summary of what occurred:

Fishweasel: I’m warp scrambled and I can’t shoot. Can someone take these frigates out before I die? 

Erani: I’m 10 jumps away in F-Y.

Mrando: I’m on my other account in hi-sec.

Bri: There’s a pizza delivery that’s just arrived.


Fishweasel: Well I’m going to die in about 3 minutes if no one can help me. 

Erani: There’s no way I’m going to make it to you in 3 minutes.

Bri: I really need to grab this pizza.

regret meme

After death and much laughter, the following is an analysis of the situation and why it was worthy of The N00b: 

  • Fishweasel wasn’t paying attention to what was going on
  • Bri chose pizza delivery over saving his fellow corpmate. To be fair, he was the only one able to grab the pizza. But let’s also point out that he was in an Ishtar…in the same systemAnyone else in Bri’s shoes would have chosen pizza.
  • Mrando could have double boxed by jumping in and saving the day…but double boxing was an afterthought by everyone online at the time.
  • Erani Daern needs to get her skills up so she can be useful at these events
  • Branson fell asleep within hearing distance of the speakers that blared Fish’s cries.

Moral of the story? Pay attention to your screen and never discount the frigates that spawn.


A Belated Happy Birthday, USTZ!



Want to add something to The N00b? Send anything you want (except awkward body photos) to Erani Daern or Gnimral.


Erani Daern: Officer of Good Times & Editor-in-Chief of The Noob /Gnimral: Mother Superior of the Virgins


The N00b: Drunk Fleet In Nullsec (7.4.15)

Provi Site running turns into “Epic N00b Mistake”

C6 & Virgins on a friday night

C6 & Virgins on a friday night

I was invited to contribute to the N00b recently, and I was honored, because the whole piece is excellent, and Erani has done a great job of keeping up on life in both Provi and high-sec near the Gallente-Caldari Border Region.

I was gonna write tonight about how Branson got put into Imperium Technologies’ Anal Sex & God channel, because he started singing with little warning, but then we ran a couple sites, and I lost the touch for characterization of fleet OPs, and Anton got stuck doing all the salvage (although there were offers to help), and eventually Erani Daern went AFK with an “I’ll be back in a minute,” which was a relatively ambiguous statement, considering that over 240 seconds later she was still burning away from the Blast Furnace (RBF) toward the nearest planet.

Five minutes later, a host of C6 members (headed by a drunk yours truly and with combat support from extremely drunk FC Fishweasel, Mrando, Branson, and Anton) escorted Erani’s outward flight with mucho gusto, and this corporate response was right on point, because a single red with an unseemly biography entered GN7 and the mates proceeded to run point, scout, and support in a timely fashion.

And twenty minutes later, after some corporation skirmish and some discussion of whether-or-not-to-dispose of the Vexor on grid:

“I thought I had docked.”

“I went to the store . . .”
And she was back.

And it was good, because everyone then realized that C6 members and Virgin Plc. fliers (including newer adds on both teams) are a sort of family.
Bottom line:

One pilot fails to verify that they’ve docked before going AFK and everyone else shows up to make sure that no KOS show up to pop a Vexor. That’s the spirit.
Also: If you’re gonna DOCK, verify that you’ve DOCKED before going AFK, especially in NULLSEC.
A big shoutout to the Virgin Plc. and C6 family. This is a good group. The obvious actual bottom line about being AFK in space, regardless of where you are, is that fellow pilots worry about “I hope they’re okay in-real-life.” Anton was like, SHIT, is she okay? And we were really worried as a result of that insight. Like. FUCK. Is she okay?

That’s a real, serious thing, and it shows. That’s why, when Vex Colon, or whatever his name is (JAWCO bitches), comes near Provi gates, EVICTUS will show him the fist (right, EVICTUS?). We’re Capsuleers, mates (and lady). We don’t stand down to solo-male-singer wannabees or ner-do-wells of any sort. We don’t let the N00b go AFK with little-notice without showing-the-fuck-up to orbit you and shoot at you until you get-the-fuck back to your ship. We will kill you if you war-dec us, etc.
Fly safe y’all. It’s been an honor writing for the N00b.
ST [VIRG], DS {VIRG}, Omjun (C6), signing off. o7


Drunk N00b Forgets To Dock in Nullsec: Hilarity Ensues



Tips to participating in fleet ops when drunk:

  • It’s a bad idea to do it. Expect shit’s going to happen.
  • When planning to dock, actually dock.
  • If you forget to dock, putting your afterburners on and leaving your desk to go to the store is a horrible idea.
  • When you come back, don’t wonder why your entire corp is swarming and targeting you.
  • Friendly-fire is legal in nullsec and in C6.


Want to add to The N00b? Send your articles, tips, tricks, ideas, feedback, etc to Erani Daern or Gnimral.


Erani Daern – C6 Officer of Good Times & Editor-N-Chief of The N00b

Gnimral – Mother Superior of the Virgins


The N00bs: Payback’s A Bitch (7.3.15)

War in the Evictus Alliance: Excellent

Party like its June 2015

Party like its June 2015

In a stroke of good-fortune for the Evictus Alliance, Just Another Wardec declared war on the Evictus Alliance — which means The Council. Does that corp ring a bell? It sure does for the Virgin PLC! As fellow virgins may fondly remember, Just Another Wardec were the assholes who decided to decided to declare war in hi-sec. We lost many a solo miner to those bastards, but on the plus side, virgins now know how to fight and survive. Many have now moved on to live in nullsec.

What makes this especially exciting is the fact that the corp of 14 gate-camping, griefing, trolling, miner-ganking fucktards didn’t declare war on hi-sec n00b corporations. Oh no. They declared war on a null-sec, blood-thirsty, highly experienced 1000-man alliance full of folks who have nothing better to do than to find an excuse to kill lame-ass mother fuckers in hi-sec.

Who’s with me in gleefully roaming hi-sec when these guys are online? War begins July 4th at 16:00 EVE time.

oV Erani Daern

The N00b: PvE Fleets and What Not To Do (7.1.15)

C6 CEO Takes Corp On Stroll of Nullsec Rat Sites. 


Expect more of these rat fleets to come about as people are online. Whether it’s just two of you or a whole crew, they’re fun AND the tax on bounties provide a nice chunk of change to the corp — whether you’re in Virgins or Council. You can also take a flimsy frigate that wasn’t designed for ratting provided you’ve got a crew of awesome folk ready to save your ass when the Sansha’s all target you.

Do your part.

Don’t Auto-Target Reds.


I’m the cat.

During a Council ratting expedition, a red showed up in system. In fear of a possible hot drop, CEO Fishweasel took the fleet to a safe spot to hide out and wait for the potential threat to disappear. Unfortunately the safe spot was compromised and the red showed up in the location of the fleet.

In a mad attempt at balls-to-the-wall bravery, Erani Daern began targeting the 200+km hostile. Ultimately, this put the fear of god into the hostile and he disappeared from the system soon after.

On the surface, this may have seemed perfectly all right. There were five in the fleet…plenty to take on a measly red. Here’s why it wasn’t:

  • Erani was in a paper-thin stealth bomber — Manticore and was planning to engage with light missiles and a T1 fit.
  • The red was a Tengu. Please refer to the gif above for a visual on what that looks like.
  • Everyone else was set up for long-range artillery…minus a few.
  • The Tengu was in warp-distance to the long-range pilots, and had he warped into them, they would have been sitting ducks.

Sure, it turned out all right…but it also could have turned out disastrous. So just do what any n00b ought to do. Just fucking run.

Oh Shit, Reds In System. A couple of tricks.


This cat is a badass mother fucker.


So you’re in a system, minding your own business when BAM, reds pop up. What do you do? Here’s some things as a n00b you ought to expect:

  • They’re coming after you
  • They’re going to find you
  • They will kill you

However, all is not lost. While the above is what you should expect, it isn’t what may actually happen if you have a couple of tricks, and a ton of luck.

  • If you’ve got a cloak, use it and hide until they’re gone. Even if it means hours 🙁
  • If you jumped into a system and they’re right in front of you, you’ve got a small amount of time before the cloak drops…use it to your advantage! Don’t automatically try to warp out. Give it a few seconds…or right before it DOES drop, and THEN warp to some random location and GTFO
  • Another great trick is the moment you align for the warp turn on your cov-ops cloak and get that cloak on you before they can finish targeting you down.
  • If you plan to break through a gate camp, warp to 0m and in the middle of warp make sure you’ve got the gate highlighted in your overview…PRESS D. It’ll set you into an auto-jump the moment you land at the gate. This trick also works with docking at stations.

You should expect that they’ll give chase. In fact, fellow corp members Akri and Mrando can attest to Erani’s  all caps ‘Oh shit’ rant in corp channel as a gang of reds were chasing her through the Catch just two days ago.

C6 PSA: F-DTOO Safe Spot Compromised


Title says it all. New safe spot corp bookmark to be determined.


Want to add to The N00b?  Send your thoughts, feedback, ideas, tips, tricks, etc. to Erani Daern or Skempo Dactyl.