The N00b: Let’s Get This Party Started (8.23.15)

Goon Time.
Goon Time.


The Imperium Deployed troops early: Shit hits the fan before the patch

By Zorya Umbranox, Guest Contributor

August 20th, Providence. The famous Shittani (aka Goons) announced their wish to test Fozzy SOV by invading our beautiful, calm Providence, the paradise for carebears and peaceful players alike. It’s been known by everyone that Goonies like to cause mayhem wherever they go, so that is their main aim in the upcoming war. Focusing the IHUBs, the little shits intend to weaken the grip of CVA and Evictus, making it possible for other alliances to conquer and steal our fucking systems. They had planned to move their asses post Galatea, but because of incoming nerfs (‘ceptors with equipped Entosis links are getting a speed limit), they sped up the process.

August 23. Providence. Today, the mobilization started. »OH SHIT…..this is about to get REAL……dam I LOVE THIS GAME!« was mentioned by someone in the EVE Online FB group. After checking Eve24 and TheMittani, nothing looked suspicious. There was some article about earlier deployment on TheMittani, which disappeared only minutes afterwards. It was fishy enough to make me rush to the computer and check EVE. A message by TD announced that shit’s really going down at the moment. While I’m writing, the intel is constantly blinking. The Goonies and red diarrhea are pouring into Assah and other systems. Reportedly, the former is their invasion base with around 200 re(d)tards.
It’s time to harden the fuck up and swat some bees.



Wardec In, Wardec Out: Virgins at Peace, Council at War

All right boys and girls — it’s time to prepare for shit hitting the fan down in Providence. Goons already spotted invading the space. What does this mean? This means that your safe POS’s may not be so safe to harbor your beloved expensive ships. Hope you took the advice of everyone and their mother the last week or two and hauled your stuff to Empire. We felt the grumble. We smelled the shit. We see it projecting toward the fan. Prepare for splatter. Here’s a couple of n00b tips to the inevitable deaths expected:

  • Keep your eyes on local.
  • Keep your eyes on the intel channel.
  • Travel without expensive implants.
  • Expect to die. If you expect to die, dying isn’t actually that bad.
  • Don’t fly expensive shit. Just stop. If you do, you seriously deserve to lose it.
  • If you’re solo PvEing, don’t go for the obvious ratting spots like havens and beware of relic sites that have 1 or 2 cans unpopped…and neuts in local that you can’t see.

Here’s to some serious fun folks! Help me out and send your stories.



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